Please welcome my beautiful friend, Leyla and read her story below her images. We cried together during this shoot and captured real, true, raw emotions. The contracted muscles on her forehead are real. Her tears are real. The emotional pain is real, BUT once again, know that she was not harmed during this shoot. Photoshop and fake props have been used for some of the special effects.
The Darkness...
...And the Light
"When I agreed to be the subject of Kira’s next big project I
never thought it would be this hard. I thought I would show up, act the part of
the pain-stricken soul as she gleefully played with her lights, camera, smoke
machine and …barbed wire and ballet slippers?, and then go on with my day. I
never imagined the raw emotion she would pull out of me as she poked and
prodded at my Pain and slipped past the walls I have carefully constructed,
exhibiting the emotions I try so hard to hide from the world. It’s been an
internal battle trying to reconcile with the idea that by allowing the world a
glimpse into the private hell of my Pain, what it means to live with a chronic
pain condition, and how I have learned to cope with it, I might be able to
offer hope to others who suffer, or live with someone who suffers. Now if I can
just get past the vulnerability of allowing the world to see me raw and
emotionally naked.
My journey started over 20 years ago. I was newly married
and life was full of beautiful possibilities. Then I got into a car accident
which irrevocably changed me forever.
It wasn’t a serious accident. I suffered with headaches from
the whiplash for a few weeks and took the pain killers the doctors gave me. To
my great joy, within a few weeks of the accident I became pregnant with our
first child. Who could have imagined such devastating, long-lasting results the
combination of those two major physical changes would have on my body?
Within a year after the accident I was having severe head
and neck pain. The doctors chalked it up to pregnancy and blew it off. I was a
young, healthy, active new mother so I figured the headaches would go away as
my body healed from the pregnancy. Over the next 7 years and 3 more pregnancies
the pain not only didn’t get better but spread to my ribcage, lower back and
then hips and pelvis. It was a daily battle to get out of bed in the morning as
exhaustion and pain consumed me. My mind rebelled at the seductive thought of
giving up and staying in bed all day, as my body craved the mindless, pain-free
stupor that the heavy duty medication promised. I had willingly and
conscientiously welcomed 4 beautiful little balls of energy into my home and I
had to take-on the responsibility of being the best mother I could be for them.
I refused to allow the pain and fatigue to take over my life and I refused to
allow anyone-even my husband- to know the cost of pretending there was nothing
wrong with me. AS the years went on I got better and better at ignoring the
Pain, suppressing and strangling it so I could be the image of the ideal mom I
had in my head. I didn’t recognize the signs that by locking away the pain, I
was also locking away all my emotions and feelings with it until it was too
late. I was emotionally numb and still never quite able to completely block the
pain. I spent 10 years in this emotionally deadened state, just trying to
survive and keep up the façade that I was Supermom. My kids were blissfully
unaware of the difficulty I had keeping up with the increasing demands children
have as they grow into teenagers. I put what little reserves I had into giving
them the kind of childhood I had designed in my mind, from all the parenting
magazines, that they deserved. It was at
a devastating cost to my health and my marriage. I had nothing left for my
husband, who was unfailingly supportive and understanding as far as his
comprehension of my condition allowed. I stubbornly tried to hide the pain and
fatigue, even from him. It took years for me to realize that by doing so I was
alienating him and cutting off the one source of support I could always count
on. I had effectively chained myself to a dark, heavy, hopeless mast of
isolation in a sea of Depression. Oh the Depression! It had consumed me and was
my constant companion. I believed it when it told me I was failing as a mom. I
believed it when it told me I was a terrible wife. I believed it when it
convinced me there was no chance of ever feeling better. I believed it when it
told me there was no hope. I trusted it when it convinced me it would be my
only companion for the rest of my life.
It took 8 years for the doctors to finally diagnose me with a new condition that was just making its debut. The doctors ran test after test, never finding anything wrong with me. The frustration built and I started to believe I was going crazy-especially after one doctor actually told me it was all in my head, that there was nothing physically wrong with me! But now I had a label. Fibromyalgia they called it. I was so relieved to find out that there was actually a name for what I was suffering! It was only a few years later that I realized that Fibromyalgia was a dumping ground for people with unknown sources of chronic fatigue and pain. It was a place to put people the doctors had given up on and didn’t know what to do with. The next ten years was a blur of doctor visits that never found a cure, doctors that would try to fix the problem by throwing anti-depressants and Motrin at it. Never trying to find out WHY I hurt, only trying to make the hurt, and me, go away. I call it the Band-Aid Effect. I lost all faith in doctors and stopped going to see them altogether. If a new symptom appeared, stomach pain, high blood pressure, a strange rash, an unusual mole, it always came back to “it must be your Fibromyalgia”. I had a label and that’s all the doctors saw.
Then I met my current doctor. Right away I knew he would be
different. He tried to find the reason I hurt. He is a DO which means he looks
at the human body differently and tries to find out WHY it hurts and then HOW to
fix it. He treats the whole body, mind, and spirit, not just the parts that
hurt. He encouraged me to share my frustrations and showed me that Depression
had lied to me. As he worked on healing my body he also worked on healing my
spirit. He offered me hope and he restored my faith in doctors. He encouraged
me to turn back to my faith, to trust what I had always known: that God was
aware of my suffering and new how to help me overcome it. With endless patience
and compassion he helped me break the chains of despair, doubt, and fear. He
encouraged me to turn to my Bishop, who uncovered the path I had lost to healing
my spirit and my soul. With the help of these two men I started looking for
things that brought me joy. In the past I had found joy in singing and dancing
so I dusted off my dancing shoes and threw myself into a musical. It was the
first time I had danced in 2 decades! After that I found joy in choreographing
several musicals at the high school and even a few numbers for my son and his
performing arts group. Even though it was exhausting work, and required enormous
support from my family, I was in control. The exhaustion was on my terms and
the pain and fatigue no longer controlled me. I found that the more I sat
around, doing nothing and “resting”, the worse the pain felt and the
hopelessness and despair would start to creep back in. So I went back to work,
becoming a high school science teacher.
I keep myself busy so I don’t have time to dwell on pain, fatigue and
crippling depression. As I built upon my faith and reached towards the Light of
Christ, the chains fell away. I haven’t been able to completely shake free of
them. I don’t think I ever will in this temporary mortal body. But as long as I
can keep focused on, and reaching towards, the Light, I can stay free of the
barbed wire that are always there, threatening to strangle me.
I learned some valuable lessons from doing this project with
Kira. For most of my adult life I have lived from day to day, just trying to get
through to sunset and the blessed relief
of sleep. I’ve never taken a step back and looked at the whole picture, the
whole journey. I can see now how important family and friends are. When the
pain becomes too much I’m not very good company and can become like an injured bear,
lashing at out the outstretched hands around me. My instinct is to pull inside
myself. But in the last few months I have discovered that is the worst thing I
could do! I am, by nature, a social creature and I NEED to be around people. By
cutting myself off, sending myself to isolation, I open myself up to my old
companion, Depression. The hardest thing I have ever done is reach OUT to
people, when all I want to do is pull back, pull into myself. The most
important thing I can do is surround myself with a good support group. People I
trust. People who love me and want me to feel better. People who know me, know
the beast I can become, and still love me in spite of it all.
When I faced the idea of exposing my pain to the world, I was
consumed by fear and vulnerability. But those same loving, patient, and
compassionate people helped me realize how therapeutic it would be to finally
break free of my self- imprisonment. That I could find relief in no longer
having to keep up the appearance of being a perfect mother, wife, teacher, and
woman. I have hope that my faith in God can heal my spirit and lighten the
burden that will always be a part of my mortal existence."
-Leyla Williams
Thank you again for reading.
For the photographers interested in the technicalities of these images...
Shot with: Canon 5dMarkiii + 50mm 1.8 lens,
Lighting: Glow by Flashpoint off camera Flash
Image One: F/1.8, 1/125, ISO320
Image Two: F/2.8, 1/200, ISO 160
Props: Smoke machine, FAKE fabric barbed wire from Amazon, costume blood, sheer fabric, old ballet shoes, wood panel floor, black wall and a fan.
Photoshop techniques: Skin and fabric smoothing, exaggerated hair blowing, sharpening of spotlight, and darkening of background.
